Coffee Dating Breakdown
Mathematically Guaranteed to Bring You Success in Love

(Maybe.)


They say that coffee shops are a great way to meet people.  Lonely?  Head to a coffee shop.  Looking for Mr. Right?  Head to a coffee shop.  And, sure, why not?  Why not go meet some random stranger that may or may not drive you nuts for 30 minutes until you scald your throat by gulping down your espresso as fast as you possibly can and fleeing into the cold night air in a plea for solitude.  That's all spectacular.  I mean, really, who wouldn't happen to pick the one table that happens to be across from the one person who, out of the entire coffee shop, is likely to be the love of your life.  Right...  But, what if we could offer you  a way to meet your perfectly suited match based upon his (or her) coffee of preference.  Yep.  You got it.  This is a methodical "scientific" (okay, we're using that term loosely) way to watch the orders come in and choose your man of choice accordingly.  Weed out the no-goes without even having to so much as learn their name. 
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It's really quite simple.  You listen in to what he/she orders, compare it to our handy-dandy chart that you're going to print out after finishing this read, and you determine just who he/she is.  And then, if need be, you look down at your own cup of coffee (check the chart to see who you are) and finally determine if you two are, at all: a match.  Who doesn't like a good game of matching? Go fish ya'll!



Rules of Play:


IF HE ORDERS
 
 Black Coffee Definition: A reliable man without much excitement to him.  This guy will provide a home and stability.  He will probably never cook you a gourmet dinner, nor will he be likely to surprise you with romantic get-aways or handwritten poetry or a pathway strewn with roses, but, he'll likely never leave you and he'll probably always take care of you.
Adjectives: Solid. Stable. Boring.. Unadventurous. 
For Love:  Hardly.
 Espresso Definition: A deep, slightly negative thinker; often moody but with some fire to him.  Often an engineer.   Has a bitter side to him.  He varies between perfectionism and big bold moves.  Never the little guy in the picture; though can be shy, is likely doing big things.  Usually brilliant.  Always thinking.  Adventurous and will take you traveling.  Risky bet if you're looking for lifelong love but fascinating if you're looking for a witty conversation partner.
Adjectives:  Rash.  Bold.  Mathematical.  Obsessive Compulsive.  Perfectionist.
For Love: Will leave you breathless. (While you can keep him interested, that is.)
 Latte Definition: A very calm, tranquil person. Does things at a slow pace and thinks things through before speaking.  Often quite artistic and appreciates the aesthetic value in things.  Very likely to be creative and surprise you with understated but sweet sentiments of affection. 
Adjectives: Laid back.  Mellow, Un-reserved.  Open.  Sweet.  Peace maker.
For Love: Good choice for reliable love.  Will make a great dad.  Face it: Kinda boring though...
Cappuccino Definition:  Comical and always entertaining.  People pleaser who enjoys being liked by all.  Funny but never over the top.  Very imaginative.  Gets bored easily and must be entertained to stick with anything.  More concerned with the big picture than with the details.   Doesn't know the meaning of shy.
Adjectives:  People lover.  Life of the party.   Amiable.  Funny.
For Love? Not particularly good for the long term.  Fantastic for a Friday night fling.


 IF SHE ORDERS
 
 Cup of Black Coffee Defintion: A very dull woman; boring, and unexcited by life.  Ties her shoes the same way every day.  Doesn't know what a heel is for and her idea of an adventurous romantic date is, well: a coffee shop.
Adjectives: None
For love: We don't recommend it.
 Espresso DefinitionAdventurous.  Sassy.  Bold and possibly loud.  Energetic, daring and extravagant.  Will probably be high maintenance but will make up for it with personality and ambition.  Will not tolerate being walked upon or told what to do.  
Adjectives:  Vivacious.  Exuberant.  Outgoing.  Diamond-loving.
For love: Fiery and passionate.  If you can get her to fall hard, you'll be safe. Prepare for a wild ride.
 Americano DefinitionA woman of substance and quality.  Has a taste for the finer things in life but within moderation.  Knows the limits and how to walk the line.  Ladylike and reliable.   
Adjectives:  Stable.  Consistent.  Has an eye for good taste and cherishes and relishes quality.  Will respect those around her, and will respect herself also.  Perfectionist.  Maybe messy. 
For love: Fun and excellent for the long term.  Great soccer mom.
 Latte Definition:  Likes to eat granola and yogurt for breakfast and will probably cook you one of the most spectacular meals you've ever had.  Creative.  Hands on.  Artistic.  Loves people and loves to show love.  Big into family.
Adjectives:  Down to earth.  Nature lover.  Artsy.  Crafty.
For love:
 Flavored Latte Definition: Willing to take a risk and be adventurous.  Will always try something new, enjoys living life and always seeking out new outlets for fun and whim.  Great hiking partner.   
Adjectives:  Spunky.  Adventurous.  
For love: Will be your best friend that you have the most fun with.
 Cappuccino Definition:   Likes curling up with a good book, a creamy cappuccino and a fireplace.  Would prefer, in fact, a cabin in the mountains than a home on the beach.  Will share deep intimate stories with you and will want to get to know you.  Also a great listener.
 Adjectives:  Homebody.  Pet lover. 
 For love:  Best cuddler you'll ever meet.
 No-fat, no-sugar, no-nothing DefinitionHigh maintenance.  Patience builder (in you, that is).
Adjectives:  May take longer to make her order and get herself situated than the amount of time she is willing to spend with you.  Although, at some point may become clingy and overly attached.  Careful.   Not willing to break the rules, even occasionally.
For love:  Good chance she'll to stick with you if you can keep her satisfied, but likely to be more interested in herself than you.

The Match-DOWN (Worst Case Scenarios)

HE   SHE RESULT 
 Black Coffee  Black Coffee
No-nothing
 Non-existent result.
 Espresso  Espresso  One or the other will likely kill the other before long
 Latte Espresso

No-nothing
 She will WALK all over you.

Disgust may potentially lead to a loss of interest in every finding love. 
 Cappuccino Black Coffee
Cappuccino
 He'll be out, and she'll be in.  What's the point?


He'll make a mockery out of her granola eating, hurt feelings will ensue.  Followed shortly thereafter by her crushed spirit.
     
     

The Match-UP (Best Case Scenarios)

HE   SHE RESULT 
 Black Coffee  Doesn't Matter  No Results
 Espresso    
 Latte    
 Cappuccino